


Today of All Days

by themoonandotherslikeit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Human!Castiel - Freeform, LGBTQ, Love, M/M, Marriage, Non Consensual, Violence, human!Cas, kiss, otp, pinning, roofie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:28:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonandotherslikeit/pseuds/themoonandotherslikeit
Summary: When Castiel meets a girl, Dean quickly realizes that there are many different ways to lose the person you love. He’d already lost Cas a million times over. He lost him to Heaven, to his own inflated ego, to purgatory, to death… but he never expected to lose him in this way, to another person, in a way that feels so damn final.





	Today of All Days

**Author's Note:**

> “Haven’t had a dream in a long time, haven’t been able to sleep. I find I’m lost without you.” - Waiting by Bootstraps

**Present Day**  

 

Three quick rasps on the thick, mahogany door. 

Castiel looked up from his glass of whiskey, and swirled the ice, listening to them chime against the glass. His eyes flickered to the door. He pushed himself to a standing position, up from the antique arm chair. He buttoned the top button on his tuxedo jacket, and took a step toward the door.

Three more raps, harder now. 

“Cas?” Deans voice pierced the door, causing Castiel’s stomach to drop. 

He hadn’t heard from him for two weeks, and he was there. That day, of all days. 

“Come on, man. Open the door. Please.” His voice was quiet, and pained. Almost desperate, if Cas was being honest.

He was frozen there, his hand dripping from the dew on the side of his whiskey glass. It was getting watered down, but Cas didn’t have time to worry about that. Not that day.

“I just… talk to me.” Cas could almost see Dean, through the door, like he did thousands of times as an angel. He could see his soul through anything, glowing brightly, calling out to him. Not now. Ever since his grace dissipated it was all a guessing game. It was dreadfully human. It was painful. 

A drop of water fell off his glass, pooling at his feet.

“Come on… I know you’re in there.” 

Dean was a whisper in the wind. He was a notion in the dark. He was Castiel’s past. Dean made sure of that.

Castiel stared at the brass knob on the door, and ignored the insistent pounding of his heart against his ribcage. He took another step toward the door, holding out his hand to the door knob. 

“I miss you, man.” Dean said, through the door.

Castiel wondered what Deans soul looked like now. There was no way to tell. Not unless he saw Deans eyes. Not unless he opened the door. 

“Come on, you stubborn asshole.” His fist slammed against the door, causing Cas to recoil. It was a mistake. It was a mistake he couldn’t afford to make. Not again. Not this time.

 

**Two months ago**

Castiel met Sarah Beth like how all normal people meet. It was unexpected, and he was caught off guard. To be fair, though, most things caught Castiel off guard since he became human. 

He was at the grocery store. He held Deans shopping list in his fingers. 

 

_Beer_

_Pie_

_Bacon_

_Beer_

_Milk for Sammy_

_TP_

_BEER_

 

Castiel frowned. He wasn’t used to being human, but he was certain that Dean wasn’t eating a balanced diet. 

He didn’t realize he’d been standing in front of the wall of toilet paper for far too long, until she tapped his shoulder.

“Excuse me?”

Castiel jumped, his tired, blue eyes landing on the beautiful woman with dark, curly hair, and deep, almost black eyes. “I apologize.. am I in your way?” He asked, his eyes flickering from hers back to his list.

“You look a little lost.” She said, gently. “Do you need some help?”

“It just… there are so many choices.” Cas said, defeated. 

“I like this kind.” She said, pulling one off the shelf. “And it’s on sale. Can’t go wrong there.”

She handed the toilet paper to Castiel, and their fingers brushed. He swallowed hard. “I’m Sarah Beth.”

“Castiel.” 

Their eyes met and she smiled. “That’s an interesting name, Castiel.”

“Thank you. I… I got it for my birthday.” He said, awkwardly, repeating the joke that he’d heard Dean use in the past with women.

She grinned widely, her white teeth shining under dark lips. “Well, Castiel, would you maybe be interested in getting a drink with me? If you aren’t busy.”

Castiel looked down at the list in his hands. The words scribbled out frantically in Deans scribe. He ran his tongue along his lower lip.

_“You need to learn to live a little, man. You’re human now. Take a day off from being so goddamn serious all the time.”_

He met her eyes again and nodded. “Yes, I think I would like that very much.”

They went to a bar down the road, inside Castiel’s trunk sat only the package of toilet paper, the rest of Deans shopping list was long forgotten. 

“Take a seat, Castiel. I’ll grab us a drink.” She smiled sweetly, her fingers lingering on the table just across from him.

He lowered himself onto the stool. Cas knew it was in his best interest to accept the drink from her, even though his new human tolerance was less than ideal. 

He watched her lean against the the bar and hold up two fingers to signal for drinks from the bartender.

Castiel was suddenly painfully aware of his drab appearance. One of Deans plain gray T-shirt’s and a pair of his slacks. He was aware of how tired he always looked. He was aware that a woman like that shouldn’t be looking twice at him, but there there she was, glancing back at him, even then.

She came back over with two draft beers. “Hope you like lagers.” She smiled widely.

Cas nodded, not knowing what a lager was. He sipped his beer and glanced at her over the top of the foam. “It is good. Thank you.”

He noticed the length of her neck, and how her collarbones protruded under the swoop of fabric resting across her chest. Her skin was smooth and almost flawless. It seemed to glow. 

“So…Castiel, tell me about yourself.”

“I’m afraid it isn’t a very interesting story.” He lied, taking another sip of his beer. Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the company, but he was beginning to feel warm. “What would you like to know?”

“Everything.” She smiled widely. 

 

**Present Day**

 

“Dean.” Castiel said, standing in front of the door. He pressed his open hand against it. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“You really feel that way?”

Did he? Or was that just the answer that was expected of him?

Castiel sighed and shook his head. “No. I don’t.” 

“Then let me in, man. I just want to talk. Scouts honor.” 

Castiel considered this for a moment, and he pressed his glass to his lips. He swallowed the remainder of his whiskey in one quick gulp. He decided that it wouldn’t hurt to hear Dean out. He reached down and turned the knob, opening the door enough to signal Dean that he could come in, before Castiel turned and walked back to his decanter to pour himself another glass. 

He plucked three ice cubes from the bucket and rested them in the whiskey. The door creaked open slowly, cautiously. Cas turned to look at him, slowly, bringing his glass to his lips again.

“You look good, man.” Dean said awkwardly.

He looked good, too, obviously. He wore a tuxedo, his bow tie a little off to the right. He was cleanly shaven, and his cheeks were flushed. He was nervous. 

“Thank you.”

“Dean, you look good too.. aw, thanks Cas.” Dean said, imitating both of their voices. 

“Certainly you aren’t here to discuss my appearance, Dean.” His blue eyes met Deans intently. “Why don’t we skip the pleasantries?”

There was a deafening silence between them before Dean finally let out a painful breath. “What have you become, Cas?” Dean asked, his jaw tight. “Christ, man, this isn’t you.”

Cas sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

How many times could he make the same mistake? How many times would he spin out of control before he learned his lesson? 

“It is me, Dean. You just haven’t cared to know me since I stopped being useful to you.” 

Deans eyes softened and his mouth hung open a little before he closed it, swallowing hard. “You never stopped being useful to me, Cas. This isn’t about you being human. It never was about that.” 

“That’s about when you stopped trusting my judgement.” 

“I stopped trusting you when you started acting fucking looney tunes.” 

“So falling in love is crazy to you?”

“Like this? Yeah, it is.” 

“I don’t have to listen to this, Dean.” Castiel groaned, finishing off his whiskey. “Not today, of all days.”

Dean grabbed for him, gripping his bicep, stopping Cas in his tracks. “Actually you do. Especially today.”

 

**Two Months Ago**

 

“Cas!” Dean shouted, staring into the empty fridge. 

Castiel walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. It was early, or maybe it was late. He squinted at his watch. It was two o’clock in the morning. Why was Dean shouting for him? Didn’t he know that humans needed sleep?

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Buddy.” Dean said with a snap of annoyance. “Did you forget something?” He gestured to the fridge. 

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.” Cas sighed, still rubbing his eyes. “Are we in imminent danger?”

“No, man. The beer. Where is the beer? You went to the store, right? That’s why you were gone all evening?”

Cas blinked a few times and squinted. Sarah Beth’s face floated to his mind and his stomach flipped. “I uh… I actually went on a  date.”

“A date?” Dean raised an eyebrow. “Like… a date? Date?”

“That is what I said.”

“Where are you meeting chicks?”

“The toilet paper aisle.” 

Dean nodded, looking a little impressed. “You sly dog.”

Castiel shrugged tiredly. 

“Why don’t we go get some beer and you can tell me all about her? There a liquor store right outside of town that stays open til three.”

“Okay.”

The two got into the Impala and Dean pulled out of the bunker garage. “So, tell me about the special lady.” Dean glanced at Cas in the darkness of the car.

Her face danced behind his eyes and he smiled. “She is very nice. She helped me pick out the appropriate brand of toilet paper, laughed at my joke, and then bought me a beer.” 

“Sounds like a keeper.”

“Maybe.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Uh, Yeah. Did… anything else happen?”

“Yes.” Cas said, the memory coming to his mind. Her fingers dancing over his, heat creeping up his neck to his cheeks. Her lips on his temple. “We kissed goodnight.”

“A kiss? Wow, man. May as well put a ring on it.” Dean was teasing, but there was something to the idea. 

“Do you think someone like us could have something like that?”

“Like what?”

“A home.. a relationship.”

Dean snorted and looked at Cas to see if he was serious. His expression was deafening. “Honestly, man? No. I don’t. Not with this life. I mean you saw me with Lisa… it never works out. Not really.” His expression focused back out onto the road. “So take her out. Have fun with her, but your home is here with me and Sammy. Don’t forget that.”

 

 **Five Weeks Ago**  

 

Castiel took Deans advice, and he’d been out with Sarah Beth multiple times a week. She would text him at night, and call him first thing in the morning with whispered I miss you’s in the quiet air, before the rest of the bunker was awake. 

There was something about her that was all consuming to Castiel. He was falling in love with her, if he wasn’t already. He had that fuzzy, alcohol on an empty stomach feeling all the time. Like the world was just a little more peppered with her around. All the white noise blocked out everything else but her. Everything unimportant. 

“Hey, earth to Cas?”

“Huh?” Cas looked up from his untouched sandwich to find Dean staring at him. “Did you say something?”

“I’ve been talkin to you for like ten minutes, dude. What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just distracted.” Cas said, picking at the loose meat on his sandwich. “Sorry.” 

“You’re distracted.” Dean said flatly. “Is it that chick?”

“That chick has a name, Dean.” 

“She actually has two first names.” Dean frowned. “It’s weird, you’ve gotta admit. Coming from a guy who just has one name, what is she compensating for?”

“What are you compensating for?” Castiel asked flatly. 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “I was just kidding, dude. What’s your deal?”

“What’s yours? I never comment on who you sleep with.”

Dean spit out his beer, his green eyes dilated. “Sleep with?”

“Yes.”

He coughed a few more times, expelling the beer from his windpipe before he sat the bottle down. “Well, for your information I haven’t slept with anyone in some time.” His eyes narrowed on Cas. He wasn’t sure why he was saying it. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to prove, really, but there he was, puffing out his chest like a fucking idiot. 

“I suppose we aren’t all this fortunate.” Castiel stood up, suddenly not interested in the lunch Dean made him. “Maybe you should start doing your own grocery shopping, and then you could meet someone of your own.” He turned on his heels and walked out of the bunker to go meet her again. 

 

**Four Weeks Ago**

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Castiel was taken aback. He knew Dean didn’t like her, per say, but Cas did. That should’ve been enough for his best friend. It was about Castiel’s happiness, after all. “This isn’t a joke, Dean.” 

“You… fuck. You asked her to marry you?”

“Am I speaking Enochian?” 

“What?”

“Well, you obviously can’t understand me. So I’m asking you, am I speaking English?”

“Yeah.” Dean grunted, his eyebrows coming together. 

“This is when you say, congrats Cas.” 

“No. I’m sorry just… no.” 

“Really? So you won’t be my best man, then?” Castiel stood his ground, his eyes examining Deans face, waiting for an answer. 

He was met with a look of shock and a laugh. Dean was fucking laughing at him. 

There was a time, before he was human, that Cas would have reacted extremely. Wrathful. That wasn’t him anymore. Not now that he was blissful in the arms of love. 

“What is so funny?”

“Why did she say yes? I mean, she barely knows you, Cas.”

“She likes me.” Castiel said dumbly.

“She must want something from you.” Dean said, scratching his chin unconsciously. 

He stared at Dean with a tight jaw. He flexed his fingers in his hands. “What could she possibly want from me, Dean?”

“What?” Dean turned to him, as if he didn’t hear Castiel speak. 

“I said, what could she possibly want from me? I have _nothing_ , Dean. I am a weak, defenseless human, with nothing to my name. I don’t have a home, a car, money. I have no sense of style, or presence in the world. I have no grace. I’m useless. What could she possibly want from me?”

Deans green eyes narrowed on Cas, his lips opening for a second, almost to agree, but he decided against it. 

“So, what? There has to be some ulterior motive? Why couldn’t she just like me. Why can’t she just want to be with me for me?” Castiel was hurt, his hands trembling and his blue eyes damp at the edges. 

“That’s…” Dean sighed. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“That’s what it sounds like, Dean.” 

“Who agrees to marry someone after a fucking month, is all I’m saying! I’m worried.” 

“I asked her to marry me, Dean. She didn’t have to convince me.” 

Deans upper lip twitched in hurt, and he shook his head. “Do whatever you want, man. I don’t fucking care.” He stood up from his seated position and went for the hallway to go back to his room. 

“So you won’t be my best man?” Cas called out to him in one more desperate attempt to connect to him. To reach out with his words. 

Dean stopped cold, his back taught under his t-shirt. “Nah, I don’t think I will.” 

 

**Three Weeks Ago**

 

“He still hasn’t said a word to me, Sam.” Cas said, sadly, as he addressed invitations per Sarah Beths request. His hand was cramping. She had a lot of friends. 

_“They’ll be so excited when they see my handsome new blue-eyed husband.” She would gush, her hand on Castiel’s bicep._

_“Are you sure we should be inviting all of these people?” He grumbled, his eyes wide at her long list. “I don’t really have anyone on my side, and I haven’t met any of these individuals.”_

_“Come on, Castiel.” She purred, sliding him a glass of whiskey. “For me?”_

_He took a sip, and let the warm complacency roll over him before he turned to her, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Okay. Whatever you want.”_

He itched under the collar of the shirt that she picked out for him. It was stiff, and not something he would pick for himself. Not that clothing ever quite mattered to him. He could live without the pine smell from Deans band t-shirts that he loaned Castiel to sleep in when he turned human. He could live without any clothes at all, he learned that the moment he’d step into Sarah Beth’s apartment. She would peel off his trench coat, and tug at his tie, shoving a fresh glass of whiskey in his hand, urging him to drink. Urging him to relax into her. To let her take control. 

So he would let her. He would let her do anything. He would be anyone for her. Even if it meant saying goodbye. The longer Dean ignored him the more the pit in his stomach grew, and he feared that goodbye was inevitable. 

“Give him some time.” Sam said, sadly, as he pressed the wax seal onto the envelope. 

“Thank you for being my best man.” Castiel said, avoiding Sams eyes. 

“It’s an honor, buddy. I’m glad you’re happy.” There was a strain to Sam’s voice that Cas couldn’t quite place. Like there was more he wanted to say. More that he would never say. “So, I was thinking about the bachelor party.” Sam glanced at Cas through a lock of hair. 

“Oh, no that isn’t necessary.” 

“Sure it is.” Sam laughed lightly. “Plus, that may be the way to Deans heart. Strippers, booze, the works.” 

“I don’t know if Sarah Beth would like that.” 

Sam reached out and patted Castiel’s hand. “If she is the woman you say she is, she will want you to be happy. She will trust you.” Sam said seriously, concern in his eyes. “But if you don’t want it, I can plan something low key. A steak dinner, or something.” 

Castiel nodded knowingly. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure, pal. Take your time.” Sam smiled gently, his dimples poking little craters on the sides of his mouth. “It’s your day, after all.” 

 

**Present Day**

 

Castiel looked at Dean with tired eyes. “If you aren’t here to support my marriage, then you should just leave.” Cas poured himself another glass of whiskey.

“Fuck, man. If you have to get wasted to marry this broad then she isn’t the one.” Dean gestured to the almost empty decanter. 

Castiel laughed out loud and took a sip, welcoming the numbness it brought. “That’s rich, coming from you.” 

“I’m a mess, Cas.” Dean said softly, his eyebrows coming together. “I should not be a role model for you.” 

“Yeah, but you were Dean, and you fucking failed me.” Cas turned to face him completely now. He took at Dean. There was a time that seeing him this put together would make his palms sweat and his heart pound. Even as an angel, Deans mere presence would leave him nearly breathless. Not now. Now he wasn’t even furious. He was just tired. “But that is my past. This is my future, so get on board or get out.” 

“How can I let you go through with something that I know is wrong?”

“How can you know it’s wrong?” Cas asked incredulously. “You haven’t even been around.”

Dean took a step toward him, closing the space between them. “I know it’s wrong because I’ve seen you. I’ve seen you all these years, in your highs, and in your lows. But fuck, I’ve never seen you like this. You’re listless, man. You’re floating around like a piece of dust in the air. You’re barely there. Half the time you’re zoned out. You seem empty. You’re turning into some kind of fucking yes man…” 

“So I can only be like that when I’m saying yes to you?”

Dean shook his head. “That isn’t what I mean and you know it.” 

“I don’t, Dean. I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish, unless it’s just to hurt me. Is that what you want? Do you want to break my fucking heart again?”

 _Again_. 

 

**Two Weeks Ago, The Night of The Bachelor Party**

 

“He’s coming?” Castiel asked Sam eagerly, as Sam slid him into a ridiculous velvet blazer. 

“Yeah.” Sam laughed. “I told you this was the way to his heart. He’s still a grumpy old fuck, but we will get some shots in him and let’s hope it’ll brighten him up a bit.” 

Cas nodded and looked at himself in the mirror, fixing his hair that never quite seemed right since he was human. He felt lackluster, and void of a shine he once had, but then the thought about Sarah Beth. About the shine to her. About how even though she spoke more than he, that she dressed him in clothes that she liked, that sometimes it felt as though they were playing pretend, and that even in all that she had a shine that he could never possess. 

Dean entered the doorway to Castiel’s room. His arms were crossed, his flannel pulled tightly over his biceps, Cas noticed. He peeled his eyes away from Dean. “Are we headed out, or what? I need a fucking drink.” 

“Likewise.” Cas said, his mouth dry all of a sudden. He cleared his throat and stood up. 

“Who fucking dressed you, man?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Sarah Beth bought it for tonight.” He said, flattening out the maroon blazer. 

“You look great, Cas.” Sam said, shooting Dean a _shut the fuck up look_. 

Dean rolled his eyes in response. 

Sam forced a wide smile, he had a lot of work to do with those two. He lead them out to the car and after a painfully quiet ride, stepped out to a steakhouse. Dean grinned widely at the prospect of an extravagant dinner. 

They gathered around the table, a round of scotch was passed around, and the boys each ordered the biggest steak they could find. 

“To the groom.” Sam said, holding up his glass. He flashed an award winning smile. “Wish you all the happiness. Some people think in this life there isn’t room for love, but I’m happy to watch you proving that wrong.” Sams eyes were rocketing between Cas and Dean, but neither were looking at him, or each other, so they didn’t notice. “Cheers.” 

“Here here.” Dean said weakly, and uninterested. He downed his glass and signaled for another one. 

“The wedding is coming up fast.” Sam said, making conversation. 

“It is.” 

“Why the rush?” Dean looked up from his fourth glass. “She pregnant?”

“What?” Castiel’s cheeks turned red at the insinuation. “No. Of course not.” 

Dean shrugged. “Guess you learned how to use a rubber then.” He finished the rest of his glass. He grunted a soft ow, and Cas assumed Sam’s boot made contact with Dean’s shin. Cas smiled a bit at this. Sam was trying, and at least one Winchester was supportive of him. 

“Perhaps she will be someday, though.” He said casually. “I believe she would make a good mother.” 

“Hm.” Dean grunted gesturing for another drink.

“Slow down, dude.” Sam rolled his eyes. 

The waitress brought their steaks, and the three were all consumed with their dinners. They fell into a comfortable silence. Despite the drink that was gaining water from the ice cubes floating in it, Cas was surprisingly alert. He could feel Dean’s presence like an old friend, radiating across the table. 

He reached for the salt, brushing the edge of Dean’s hand. His mossy green eyes flickered up to meet Castiel’s. They held the gaze for a moment before Dean tore his eyes away to focus back on his plate.  

After dinner, they begrudgingly headed to the strip club. Deans mood was greatly improved after his stomach was full, and his head was buzzing from the scotch. Their hands were stamped and they walked through the door to the front of the strip club. 

The three settled into a booth near the stage. Dean rubbed his hands together. 

“You’re too excited about this.” Sam joked with a laugh. 

“You two aren’t excited enough. A round of tequila shots for my guys!” Dean threw his arms around Cas and Sam, causing a heat to come up Castiel’s neck. 

“You got it.” A waitress said, scribbling on her pad. 

A woman was spinning on the stage in heels so sharp that they could kill a man. She wrapped her leg around the pole, letting her head fall back, her hair spilling down her back and into the open air. 

“Last night of freedom.” Dean said to Cas. Their thighs brushed as they settled into the booth.

“I suppose so.”

“You seem a little grim.”

“It’s just my personality, Dean.”

Dean smiled at that. “Fuck, I guess it is.” He shrugged. “Never really noticed.”

“You wouldn’t, would you?” Cas said, so quiet that Dean didn’t hear. He was fucking oblivious as always. Cas tried to scoot away, but Dean threw his arm around him again. “Listen, man. We should make a secret code. Okay?”

“A.. a code?”

“Yeah. If you want me to stop the wedding. Object, or whatever. How about this?” He itched his nose dramatically. “If I see you do that I’ll fake a medical emergency and get you the fuck out of there.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

“You think that now. I know you think that now…” 

The waitress brought the shots and Dean passed Sam and Cas one. “Alright, boys. To one woman for life. Not sure why’d you do it, but I guess it isn’t my balls in a vice.” He shrugged, licking the salt off his wrist, swallowing the salt, and sucking the lime. 

Castiel about choked on his shot, causing Dean to cackle. “Are you laughing at me?”

Sam shook his head. “No, Cas, he isn’t.”

“Nah, I am. That was pathetic.” Dean laughed outright, shaking his head. “Get the groom another shot, Miss. Blow Jobs this time?”

“Excuse me?” Castiel’s eyes widened. 

“It’s a shot.” Sam assured him.

“We can get you one of those, too.” Dean grinned.

“Stop.” Cas said, his jaw tight. He was uncomfortable. He wanted to get rid of the jacket, of his skin. “I need some air.” He pushed away from Dean, and walked out of the club into the alley. 

He pressed his palms against the cool brick, leaned over. He took in a few deep, ragged breaths. “Fuck.” He breathed, trying to get his bearings. 

“Hey, Cas, you good, man?” Dean asked, pushing into the alleyway. He was alone. Dean rushed to his side and put a hand on his back. “You need to throw up?”

“No.” Cas pushed him away. “I just… I need you to stop.” 

“Stop what?”

“Whatever it is you’re doing.”

“I’m trying to be supportive.” 

“No, you’re not.” Castiel laughed. “You’re asking me for signals that I want to run. You’re saying my balls are in a vice. You’re still trying to stop me. Why?”

“Why?” Dean was breathless, breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling with each labored breath. He looked like he’d just been running, with a bead of sweat rolling down his temple. If Castiel was closer he would be able to smell the alcohol seeping out of his pores. “I… I don’t think she’s right for you.” Dean said, dumbly. He said that, instead of what he really meant. 

Instead of saying that he would miss Castiel if he was gone. How he misses him already. 

“I don’t think some girl should be stealing your heart.” Dean said, stepping closer to Cas. 

Castiel stood up slowly from his crouched position and met Deans eyes, despite their height difference. “Really? If some girl, then who?”

“Um..”

“Exactly. You don’t have an answer. You’re jealous.” Castiel hissed. “You don’t want to share me. I’ve been your pet for so long, you can’t bare to let me live my own goddamn life. Dean calls I come. Dean wants me, I abandon my post, heaven, everything. I’m not your dog, Dean. I don’t come just because you say come.” 

Dean winced and flexed his fingers at his side. “I never thought of you like that.” 

“Then what did you think of me as? A friend? Friends don’t treat friends like this. Family doesn’t treat family like this.”

“Family doesn’t abandon each other for some random bitch, either, but what would you know about family?” Dean asked harshly. He wanted to hurt Castiel, and boy did he hit a nerve. 

Castiel curled back his arm, without thinking, and let it fly forward, his fist connecting with Deans jaw, sending him stumbling backwards. 

“Fuck! You just hit me.” He turned to Cas, holding his jaw. His eyes were wet, and Castiel worried that he really hurt Dean. “You motherfucker. You _hit_ me.” Dean walked forward, shoving Castiel backwards. Dean’s palms resting right over his heart. 

“I.. I’m sorry.” 

Dean didn’t give him a chance, before his own jaw ached from a collision from Dean’s fist. Castiel brought his fingers up to his pulsing jaw and met Dean’s eyes. “Well, I’m not sorry.” Dean said with a tight jaw. “I’m not sorry about fucking any of it.” He pushed Castiel back again, and turned away, disappearing in the night. 

That was the last night he saw Dean. He left Castiel there standing in the alleyway, empty. His hands still reaching out for Dean. 

Dean stayed in a motel every night until the wedding, to avoid him. Not that Castiel would notice, he’d spent every night with Sarah Beth. 

He sat across from her in a tub full of bubbles. The white crystals sparkled against her dark skin like stars in the night sky. She picked up a bubble and reached forward covering his nose with it. “Hey, you.”

“Hello.”

“You seem somewhere else. Where are you?”

“I’m here.” He assured her, his voice lacking merit.

“Are you? You’re lost in thought.”

“I suppose I am.” 

“What are you thinking about?”

_Dean._

“A lot of things, and yet nothing.” He said glumly. “I apologize for being distracted.”

She scooted closer to him, wrapping her legs around his waist. “Castiel, stay here with me. Be here. I know you are disappointed that Dean won’t be there.” She ran her fingers along his jaw. “But it’s his loss. I’m your family now. You and me. Nothing else matters.” 

“I don’t…” 

“Shh.”She whispered, reaching out of the tub, grabbing his whiskey glass. “Here, you’ll feel better.” 

His eyes met hers and he let her bring the glass to his lips. She knew what was best, after all. 

 

 **Present Day**  

 

“I’m here…” Dean said, his voice almost breaking. “I’m here because I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to make a mistake.” 

Cas went to take another sip, it was almost second nature now.

“Fucking stop!” Dean knocked the glass out of his hand, and it crashed to the floor. Whiskey and glass crashed and danced across the floor. Castiel watched the explosion at his feet with lazy eyes. He didn’t much care. He had another glass, after all. “Just look at me, Christ!” Dean said, gripping Castiel by his lapel. His hands were curled around the fabric of his coat, pulling his attention back to Dean. 

“What do you want from me?” Cas asked, weakly.

“I want you to just admit that this is a mistake. I want to know why you’re doing this. Why you’re letting some chick change you. Why you’re leaving Sam, and the bunker…”

“And you?”

“What?”

“That’s what you want to know, right? Why I’m leaving you?” 

Deans jaw tightened a bit, and he ran his tongue along his bottom lip like he was thinking. “No.. well, fuck, yeah. Why?”

“I’m in love with her, Dean. Is that what you want to hear?”

Dean groaned in annoyance. “How do you even know that, Cas? You’ve been human for five fucking minutes…” 

Time seemed to slow around him, Castiel’s head was foggy from the whiskey, but there was something clearing the way to Dean. Like a beacon in the dark. “I know, because it’s how I used to feel about you.” He said, his voice a low, rough whisper.

Dean stared at Castiel. At his eyes. Every long, dark, curling eyelash. All the shades of blue in his eyes like the ocean and the sky all at once. The wrinkles from the exhaustion of a beautiful, human existence that rested on his tanned skin. Dean tightened his grip on Castiel’s coat, unknowingly. His eyes ran down the length of his nose, and settled on his mouth. _Cas was in love with him._ Maybe not now, but before. How could he miss it? He was so close he could count every whisker coming out of Castiels upper lip, he could trace the dip under his nose with his finger, he could see every divot in the soft, pink skin of his mouth. He wanted to run his thumb along his bottom lip. 

“There you go.” Cas groaned, a breath of hot whiskey smothering Deans lips, causing him to suck the breath in. Castiel’s breath, into his lungs. “Shutting down again, what did I expect? Just let me go, Dean. Let me get married. Let me move on.” 

“I can’t do that, Cas.” Dean said, breathlessly.

“And why, in Gods name, not?”

“Because I can’t lose anyone else. Especially not you.” Before he could stop himself, before he could talk himself out of it again, like he had so many times before, he closed the space between them completely. Their chests brushed, and Dean leaned down, pressing his lips to Castiel’s. 

It wasn’t what they expected. It wasn’t sparks, or heat that rolled through them with the power of a thousand suns. It wasn’t like what you’d see in porn, or read in a book about young love. It wasn’t fiery, or full of passion and need. Instead, it was warmth, it was gentle. It was morning coffee. It was a cool breeze. It was Castiel’s hands snaking around Deans waist to pull him closer. It was a thousand stolen glances, and words unsaid all wrapped up into one single moment. One moment between two people that have wanted everything for years, but never dared to say the words out loud to themselves, let alone anyone else. It wasn’t text book, or _hot_. It was home. 

Castiel’s head was spinning. _Dean is kissing me. Dean is kissing me. He kissed me. He… he…_ It felt like he was falling, through the air, through everything, and nothing at all. He wasn’t fuzzy, not anymore, and Sarah Beth was the last thing on his mind. His wedding was the last thing on his mind. All he saw, all he felt, was Dean’s lips on his own. 

“Dean…” He murmured. Dean pulled back, and pressed his forehead against Castiel’s. His lips were swollen, his cheeks pink, and his breath trembling. “If you’re trying to get my attention, you’ve gotten it.” 

“You were in love with me?” Dean asked, his voice barely breaking through. 

“Yes.” 

“You never said…” 

“How could I?”

Dean met his eyes, surprised to find Castiel’s eyes wide open. He was watching Dean. “Easy. Hey, Dean, I love you. You are the perfect specimen of man. I can’t live without you. Easy.” 

“I told you I love you.” Cas said dumbly.

“Not like _that_.” Dean released Castiel’s jacket, and ran his hands along Castiel’s jaw, and his cheeks. “Never like that.” 

“I didn’t think you would react this way.” Cas admitted. 

“Now look who isn’t paying attention.” Dean smiled, sheepishly. 

Castiel stared at him almost in awe, as he closed the space between them again. This time the kiss was urgent. It was need. It was coming home again. He ran his fingers along the edge of Deans jacket, before pushing it off of his shoulders. Dean raised his eyebrows in response, and smirked against Castiel’s mouth before shrugging the rest of the jacket off himself. He reached for the button of Castiel’s own tuxedo jacket, and slid it easily down his arms. 

It wouldn’t be the first time they’d seen each other almost naked. There were war wounds that needed tending in the past. Sullen laundry days, that they stood around only in shorts. Long runs that left Dean breathless, and covered in a glistening layer of sweat on his bare chest. 

This was different. 

Their bow ties were tossed away, their shirts discarded on the floor. Their bare chests brushed, as Dean moved his lips from Castiel’s, down his rough jaw, to the pulse point on his throat. 

Castiel had thought about being with Dean a thousand times. A million, if he was being honest, but nothing could prepare him for the sight of Dean leaning over him. The sight of his arms struggling to hold himself up over Castiel. The look of his face flushed, and his eyes dulled and unfocused. The way his jaw moved with his hips. The way he stuck his tongue out a bit when he was really focused. How surprised he was when Castiel flipped him over, taking control. The way he didn’t look when Castiel had to close his eyes, overwhelmed by the feeling of Deans lips along his own. 

The laid together, their backs on the floor in the room that Castiel was supposed to be patiently waiting for his turn to walk up the aisle. Instead, Castiel’s head was on Dean’s chest. Dean’s arm was draped, languidly, over Castiel’s shoulder. Their fingers were laced together. 

“Ya know.” Dean cleared his throat, ready to ruin the moment, like always. “If you didn’t want to get married you could’ve just used the signal, remember?” Dean scratched his nose.

“Married… What?” Cas frowned, sitting up. He looked around the room. His clothes were a pile on the floor. A tuxedo. “Married… where am I?”

“Hey.” Dean said up, too, concern on his face. “You’re good. You’re with me. What’s going on?”

Cas turned to Dean, alarmed. “Something is wrong.” 

Dean softened a bit, recoiling. He grabbed for his pants. “Right… sorry..”

“No.” Cas said, grabbing Deans arm to stop him. “Not that. Never that.”

Dean met his eyes and he knew Cas was telling the truth. “Okay. Then what?”

“Where are we?” 

“We are at Saint Mary’s.”

“Why?”

“You’re supposed to be getting married in an hour.” Dean frowned. “You really don’t remember that? I mean it was good, man, but I don’t think it should’ve made you that loopy.” 

Cas frowned and scrambled to his feet, sliding into his pants. “Am I… am I marrying…” Cas sucked in his breath. “Please tell me its you that I’m marrying.”

Dean raised an eyebrow, his stomach flipping at that. “No.”

“I was afraid of that.” Castiel sighed. “I think I’ve been drugged.”

Dean slid on his own pants. A quick knock came to the door, and it creaked open, catching the two half dressed, Deans fingers still on his fly. 

“What the… Oh Christ, you two. Now?” Sam asked, looking tired. 

“Hiya Sammy.” Dean said sheepishly. “I uh.. I don’t think Cas is going to to go through with it.”

“Well, fuck, you don’t say?”

“Sam.” Cas said seriously. “I think I’ve been drugged. What do you know about this person I’m marrying?”

“Sarah Beth? Uh, not much. She seems nice…you didn’t really bring her around.”

“Why not?”

“I assumed it was because Dean was such a dick about the whole thing.”  Sam shrugged.

Cas glanced at Dean, who gave him a large shit eating grin. “I think she was giving me something to make me complacent.” 

“Like Sam with Becky?”

“Maybe.” Cas admitted. “Just perhaps in a lower dose.” 

Dean turned to the decanter and grabbed it. “You’re always drinking, man. I thought you were just struggling with being human… but what if she was drugging you in the whiskey?”

Sam grabbed at the decanter. “Let me take a look at it.” He sniffed the bottle and his nose wrinkled. “Yeah, it smells off.” His head swam with the memory of his brief marriage to Becky. “Christ, Cas, you’ve been roofied.” 

Cas looked ill, and Dean reached for his hand. “Hey, it’s good. I’m here. We will get you out of this, and I’ll make sure this bitch pays.” 

“Hey, how’d you break the spell, Cas? Did you stop drinking?” Sam asked, looking down at Cas. “Mine would wear off after some time with Becky, but you’ve been seriously suckling the stuff.” 

“I uh.. no. Actually.” Cas swallowed, and his eyes met Dean’s. “He kissed me, and all the fuzziness sort of slipped away.”

Dean smiled at Cas, and winked at him. Sam grinned at them. “About fucking time.” He shook his head. “I knew it would end one way or another today.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, either you’d finally say your peace or Cas would get married.” Sam shrugged to his brother. “Either way it’d be over. Gotta say, though, I’m glad it turned out this way.” He smiled gently. “Now put on some fucking clothes, and lets go confront Cas’ bride.”

 

*****

 

Three quick raps on the door.

“Who is it?” Sarah Beth asked through the door. 

Dean turned the knob. “Hope to Christ you’re dressed in here.” 

“Dean?” She asked, innocently. “Castiel? Oh god.” She tried to cover her dress with her robe. “Babe it’s bad luck to see the bride…”

“You aren’t much of a bride, Sarah Beth.” Cas said flatly. 

“What?”

“We know what you did.” Sam said, eyeing her. He held the decanter in his hand. “You really thought you could get away with it? We’re hunters.”

“I know.” She said, her jaw tight as she stared at the almost empty decanter. “And I’m a witch. I didn’t realize who you were until after my first few dates. I liked him, so sue me.” She shrugged. “I didn’t have to drug him on that first date, but I saw he was pulling away.” She stood up and glared at Dean. “Because of you. I couldn’t lose him. He’s amazing.” 

Dean grinned and laced his fingers with Cas. “Yeah, I ought to know.”

“What the…”

Cas laughed. “You can’t put a spell on people to get them to like you, Sarah Beth. It’s unethical.” 

“Dating is all around unethical.” She laughed. “You lied about who you were, Castiel. You asked me to marry you and what.. you’re an angel, hunter, and gay?”

Dean and Cas glanced at each other. “Ex angel.” Cas said.

“And we don’t really like to label..” Dean added with a shrug, as he pulled out his gun, clicking off the safety.

“You realize we can’t let you keep this up.” Sam said flatly.

“What?” Sarah Beth asked weakly. “Are you going to shoot me?”

“Are you going to do this to some other poor sap?” Dean snapped. 

“No.” She said shortly. 

“Were you going to keep me drugged forever?” 

“Of course not.” She said sadly. “I hoped eventually it would be real. That you’d love me the way that I loved you.” Her eyes flickered to Dean. “I was wrong.”

“Damn straight, bitch.” Dean growled protectively, resting his finger on the trigger.

“I’ll keep my ears open for you.” Sam said, finally, pushing Dean’s gun down. “If I hear a peep, we are coming for you, and I’ll put a bullet in you myself.” He promised.

She nodded, knowingly, her eyes avoiding the men. “Castiel…I’m sorry. For what it’s worth… this has been the best two months of my life.”

Cas stared at her. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip and looked at Dean. “I suppose I should say thank you.” He said after a moment.

“What?” The room echoed as the three looked at him, dumbfounded. 

“If it weren’t for this sham of a wedding Dean wouldn’t have ever admitted his feelings.”

“That just ain’t true.”

Sam laughed. “You’re hopeless.”

Dean smiled at Cas. “Yeah, guess I am.” 

Cas met his smile and squeezed Deans fingers in his own. “Guess you are.” 

 


End file.
